i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
