dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
