Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She told me I should be a condom model.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
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