his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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