I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
