I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
