I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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