I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
