If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
