You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
