I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I can't turn off my feet"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
