He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
