It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
