Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
