I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
