ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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