either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
