i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
