I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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