Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
