what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
