i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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