Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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