eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
