I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
