youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
