I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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