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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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