It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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