So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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