I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
