listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
