This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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