I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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