Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
