we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
