I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
