My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
