Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
this will be a night to untag.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
