when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
