So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
