don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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