chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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