Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
