saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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