More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
