me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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