can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
