i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
