tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Randomize
